


Unanswered Questions

by Katmstanton



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26132698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katmstanton/pseuds/Katmstanton
Summary: When their worlds are torn upside down and Olivia has to choose between Barba and Stabler who will she choose?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue

**Prologue:**

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

The sounds of the machines echoed throughout the room and he couldn’t help but feel each like a pounding drum in his head. The noise was deafening but also calmed him as it’s regular beat kept his breathing evenly paced. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep _ . 

The smells around him were nauseating as the sterile cleaner and stench of death further reminded him of why he was there and where he was, even with his eyes closed trying to forget. They reminded him of the events leading up to this moment and why he was there. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

The taste of blood on this tongue was a bitter reminder to stop biting his lip as he waited, unknown of what was happening around him. The taste brought the harsh reality he was no longer in control of his own fate.

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

The touch of her hand in his was an eerily reminder of just how far apart they really were. He felt the weight in his but knew she wasn’t right there with him, instead she was far away and he didn’t know when or if she would be with him again. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

The sight of her made his heart break and his stomach flip. Where there was once soft, olive skin and dark brown hair is now covered in marks, bruises, and blood. Wires ran from her head, chest, and limbs and he wished he could swap places with her and take the pain away. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep _ .

He didn’t know how long he sat holding her hand praying to every God before the doctor walked in and went to check her vitals.

“How is she?” He asked, taking his eyes off her long enough to look into the doctor’s eyes. 

“We don’t know.” He answered as he made notes on the chart. “We hoped she would have woken by now and the swelling around her brain hasn’t reduced so there are serious concerns right now.” The doctor finished as he turned towards him. 

“I want to stay with her.” He stated. It wasn’t a question or a request. It was a matter-of-fact statement and the doctor wasn’t going to argue with him about it tonight.

“She will be getting another scan here in a moment and it will last about an hour. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and I’ll get a cot brought in for you.” The doctor stated as he turned to him, placing a hand on his shoulder before he turned to leave.

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_ Beep. Beep _ . 

_ Beep _ . 


	2. 1

**Chapter 1:**

Olivia sat on the grass watching Noah hang from the monkey bars, giggling as he moved through them with ease. She waved back with a smile when he energetically waved to her as his feet hit the ground. She couldn’t help but enjoy his happiness and allow his energy and excitement to spread to her as she joined him on the swings, both smiling and laughing together. 

“You two look like you are having way too much fun this morning.” A voice said from behind and she smiled as she looked back.

“Uncle Ell! You made it!” Noah said as he ran towards him before leaping into his arms. Elliot threw him up only to bring the giggling boy back down a moment later. 

“Hey Ell! I am glad you could make it. Where’s Eli?” She asked as he took the swing next to her and Noah ran off towards the monkey bars again.

“He had a sleepover last night with a friend. Liz is bringing him on her way into the city for an interview.” 

“Noah hasn’t stopped talking about hanging out with him since we had dinner the other week. He is crazy about Eli.” She stated as the two swung in silence for a few moments, watching Noah run around the playground with the other kids before she turned to him once again.

“It’s good to see you again Elliot. I know it’s been a while but it feels like we picked up where we left off.” She said with a smile.

“Me too, Liv. I am glad we are hanging out again and not just sending the occasional email every few months or so. This is nice and it feels good to see you and Noah.” He replied before stopping the swing to look at her. 

“I meant what I said, Liv. I am truly sorry for everything that happened and for abandoning you like I did. It was really shitty of me and I don’t blame you for being mad or angry at me.” 

“Elliot. I told you already, you are fine. I mean, sure, there was a lot of anger and resentment when you left but that was how long ago? 10 years or something like that? Elliot, things happened and neither of us were in a good position at the time. Looking back I don’t blame you for leaving and calling it quits. You did what you had to do.” She replied as she got up to join Noah once again. 

He watched the two of them with not only happiness but joy at seeing her happy and finally being the mother she wished for all those years ago. He knew things were different between them and knew she would have barriers and walls in place that weren't there before but he was glad she was open to being friends with him again. He still couldn’t believe she agreed to meet him and talk and catch up when he reached out a few weeks prior but was glad she had. 

When she met him at the diner for coffee it felt just like it did for over 11 years on stakeouts, in the squad room, and in the same diner getting lunch mid-shift. He was grateful she was open to hearing him out and to just talking to him after nothing but the occasional email for almost 10 years. He wanted to start on a fresh slate with her now that he would be working alongside her once again. 

While he wouldn’t be working special victims again, he would work alongside her through a different department. His heart could not handle another round of special victims and he knew his mental health would not allow it but at least this way he was still helping and trying to keep everyone safe. 

It wasn’t long before he saw Liz walking with Eli and he waved at them as they approached. He still couldn’t believe Eli was almost a teenager and he swore he would be the tallest of all the Stabler kids. At 12 he was already starting to catch up to his sisters and mother and it wouldn’t be long before he would look Richard and himself in the eyes. 

“Hey guys!” Elliot said as they approached and he gave Liz a hug and ruffled Eli’s hair. 

“Mom said to remind you he has to be at school early Monday morning for the debate team. Something about a field trip or something.. I don’t really know honestly.” Liz said as she checked her watch. 

“We are going to the courthouse to observe their open hearings and meet with some of the judges and lawyers.” Eli spoke up without looking away from his phone and the game he was playing. 

“Well that sounds like fun.” Elliot replied before looking back to Liz. “What time is your interview?” 

“An hour but I need to start heading that way if I want to be early for it. I am excited about this one so fingers crossed!” She said excitedly as she gave him a hug before waving to Liv as she turned away.

“Hey Eli” Liv said as she and Noah approached. 

“Hey Liv. Eli.” He replied with a small smile as he held his hand up for Noah. 

“Eli!” Noah exclaimed as he went to give him a high five just like he taught him weeks ago. “I made it all the way across this time! Want to see?” 

“Sure! Let’s go!” Eli replied as he pocketed his phone and followed the boy towards the monkey bars. 

As the two of them sat watching the pre-teen and boy fool around on the bars Elliot couldn’t help but feel a pang in his chest from the “What if’s” and “What could have been’s” that had plagued him since he left years ago. 

“Hey.” Olivia started as she placed a hand on his. “You okay?” She asked and he nodded to her with a small smile.

“It’s okay, Ell. We are good. The boys are good. Just take it day by day.” She said as she leaned into his shoulder and squeezed his hand.

  
  



	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

Olivia sat at a small table watching the door cautiously. It had been years since Lewis’ attack but it didn’t mean she was completely over it. She still watched her back when she walked anywhere, rarely put her back to a door, and always scanned the room before and after entering, regardless of where she was. 

“Sorry I am late. I hope you weren’t waiting too long.” He said as he walked towards her trying to brush off the snow as he put his coat on the back of the chair. 

“It’s okay. I’ve only been here a few minutes anyway.” She said as she touched his hand and smiled at him. 

“How are you doing, Liv? It’s been too long.” He asked as he flagged the barista for their normal order. 

“Barb.. It’s been a month.” She said with a chuckle as the barista brought a pair of mugs and muffins for the two of them. 

He gave her a small smile as he took a sip of his coffee before looking around the coffee shop. He had done this a lot lately, especially after leaving the DA’s office. He was still not back to normal and didn’t know if he would ever feel “normal” again or not but it was these moments that made his life make sense again. 

“How are you doing Raf?” She asked, bringing him back to the present. 

She always had a way to center him, to bring him back to reality when everything seemed lost to him. It had been great over the years when he would get on tyrants or when he was wound up about details on a case. Now it was a godsend and something he looked for in his life, she was his godsend. 

“I’m … okay.” 

He rubbed his finger along the rim of the mug in his hands as she reached out to grab his other hand. She knew what his words meant and he was thankful he didn’t need to say more. 

“Raf, I am here if you need anything. You know that.” She told him as he adjusted in his seat. 

“So.. How are things going with you?” He asked, changing the subject. 

“Oh you know.. Busy as always. It seems the cold weather brings out more crazies every year. Between that and the never ending cold season with Noah and me I am exhausted.” She said as she closed her eyes for a moment before looking back at him with the glint in her eye that told him she had something up her sleeve. 

“What are you planning?” He asked with a dreadful look on his face knowing she would rope him into something. 

“Who said I am planning anything?” She asked as she took a bit out of her muffin and gave him the same look once again. 

“Liv.” He groaned. “I have seen that look more times that I can remember and every single time you end up having me do something that would either make my mother love me or hate me, no in between.” He finished as he gave her his typical stare down. 

“Fine!” She started as she threw her hands up. “I was just thinking how good it would be to have you over for dinner sometime. Noah has been asking about you and I know you can’t say no to spaghetti night with us.” 

“What’s the catch?” He asked, already knowing there would be more to the story.

“Just that I found some great law programs that are looking for people with your expertise and knowledge.” She said as she gave him a sly smile. 

“There it is!” He started as he put his mug down. “Liv, I told you that I didn’t want to get into law again. I doubt I’d be allowed back in anyway.” 

“These are not sex crimes and are completely different than what you’ve done before. Some are teaching positions and others are actual legal positions. Plus your mom thought it would be a good idea to look them over.”

“Liv.” He groaned as he let out a sign. 

He ran his hands up and down his face as he thought about her words and what she was doing for him. She was trying to pull him out of the darkness the only way she knew how and had even roped his mother into it as well. It was no doubt her idea to begin with and she brought Liv into it but that's beyond the point. 

They sat in silence as they each finished their muffins and coffee. Neither needed to talk for the other to know where their minds were. She knew his was rethinking the last time he was in a courtroom or did anything remotely legal and he knew she was thinking of him and how to help him. 

As they sat in the comfortable silence he let his hand run across his face and chin once again. It wasn’t until then that he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he shaved. His beard was getting thick and wrapped around his face and chin. On one hand he liked it as it kept the cold weather and snow off his face and on the other it was a visual representation of just how dark his world had been recently. 

“Just think about it okay?” Liv said softly as she reached out and took his hands in hers, rubbing his knuckles with her thumbs as he did the same.”

“Okay.” He replied with a deep breath. 

“To dinner or the papers?” She asked and he gave her his look once again. 

  
  



	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Ice. The feeling of hearing the click from behind turned her blood cold, colder than ever before. It was an all too familiar feeling in her life but this time it was different, this time she was unprepared and even more so than with Lewis. This time her blood ran ice cold as she turned to face the sound. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Fire. She will never understand how you can be ice cold and also on fire at the same time. As fire hit it seared her and in that moment she felt not only the icey cold of her veins but also the scalding heat of the impact. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Darkness. Before she could understand what happened her world went dark, darker than the night sky around her. She had been in the dark before but this was entirely different. This darkness had no light, no sound, no end in sight. This darkness was unforgiving and intensified the scorch and ice in her body. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Blinding. Just as quick as the darkness came over her, the blinding light took over next. It was a peaceful light, insanely bright but not intense. She could feel the warmth of the light melt the ice and calm the fire. It was like she was wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold winter day. The light washed over her and calmed the heightened nerves while also making her more aware than she was beforehand. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Lightning. The sharp, intense bolts shook the light and brought the darkness back ever so slowly. It brought the ice and it brought the fire back with more intensity and she yearned for the warmth of the blanket of light once again, if only for a moment. At the same time, the bolts brought light and sound to the darkness that was not there before. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

She never realized what was happening before it was too late and, even through the darkness and light, she replayed it over and over again trying to see what she missed. She replayed every step she took and every movement she did from the time she arrived until everything went blank. She didn’t know how long she had been stuck in the darkness and in the warmth of the light but she could feel herself creeping closer to them with every breath she struggled to get through. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

The only thing she could understand was the last words and sounds she heard before the darkness and the first after the lightning. Both sets would forever be etched in her brain until the end of her days, right alongside everything Lewis said to her. While the sound came and went, she will always remember what she did understand and replayed them both in her head to drown out the silence. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

She allowed her mind to try to piece together what happened but it was no use as everything in her life was hitting her in bits and pieces and memories came and went with no understanding of any timeline with the exception of him. Every memory of him she saw was a clear path. It was like the puzzle pieces finally coming together. He was the only thing that made sense to her. He was her light in the darkness. Her warmth in the light. Her sound in the silence. He was her guide and guardian and she would forever be grateful to him for not only being there but also for keeping her grounded when everything else failed, but who was he?

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

She could not remember any names, let alone her own. As she stayed in the silent darkness she fought to bring the words she couldn’t see to life. What was her own name? Who was the man in the memories that guided her back? What was it about him that made her be drawn to him like nothing she ever felt before? She fought to remember, fought to have an inkling of the truth even if it was only for a moment. She just wanted a name, anyone’s name. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

Her frustration rose and she could feel the fire in her body grow before there was once again ice. Only this time the ice wasn’t a chilling or frozen cold but instead a mild numbing and her frustration started to calm down. She could feel her body calm down and as much as she fought it the silence creeped in and the darkness took over once again. The last thing she could think before she was enveloped once again in its cloak was she hoped he saw him again. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

  
  



	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled as he walked through the door.

He was quick to grab the boy as he jumped into his arms for a hug before going back to his legos. He was thankful for the many visits beforehand that prepared him for the instant leaps from Noah and was much better with them now than the first few times. 

“Hey, Raf. You can relax anywhere. I am finishing dinner now so it won’t be too long.” She called from the kitchen.

He hadn’t knocked in years and today was no different. As he made his way towards the kitchen to help he discarded his shoes and wallet at their normal spots and left his phone with his jacket. By now it was more of a routine and muscle memory than anything and he enjoyed the familiar feeling of it. 

“What can I help you with?” 

“Can you toss the salad for me and put it on the table?” She asked as she finished slicing the lasagna and plating it for the three of them. 

The familiarity of the night put him at ease and he was able to feel his body relax a bit and she took notice of the way his shoulders dropped a little and the tension in his neck release. She was glad he was able to be himself and just enjoy the moment and her heart pulled knowing how much he still fought his own demons and it rarely let him just live in the moment. 

“Noah get ready for dinner. Your mom is starting to plate it up.” Rafael called to the boy and smiled as he ran off to wash his hands. 

It didn’t take long before Noah was at his side putting forks and knives on the table just as he had shown him many dinners ago. Occasionally he had to go back and fix it but he enjoyed teaching and watching him learn new things. 

Dinner went better than either of them expected and she enjoyed seeing him laugh and smile as they talked and watching him and Noah talk about his dance class and school. She knew he needed something to do and that working as an ADA took a lot out of him, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and she hoped the programs she and Lucia found would interest him. 

“Noah go ahead and grab your shower then you can read for a bit before bed.” She said as she started clearing the table.

“I’ve got this, go relax.”

“You don’t have to, it won’t take me long at all.” She started but he moved her towards the bar stool with a fresh glass of wine. 

“Sit. Drink.” 

Before she could rebuttal he was pushing his sleeves up and starting to wash the dishes from dinner and putting the leftovers away for her. As she sipped her wine she caught herself looking him over and wondering if his arms always looked that way or if his scruff always looked soft. It didn’t take long for Noah to come back in to clean up his legos and move to his room for the night, bringing her back to the present. 

“Goodnight bud.” He said as he ruffled Noah’s hair as he moved from the kitchen towards the living room with his own glass of water. 

“Night, Rafa. Night, mom.” He said as he hugged her and moved towards his room. 

“I will probably have to go in there in a bit to take the book from him and turn the lights off but I will let him stay up for now.” She said with a chuckle, already knowing Noah’s plan for the night. 

As they made themselves comfortable she pulled out the information on the various programs and interests her and Lucia found for him. He stared at the pile and was a bit nervous to even look at something legal again and the thought of going back in the courtroom made him anxious. 

“Just look at them, Raf. There’s no pressure.” She said as she started to go over them with him, showing him the different pamphlets and papers she printed off the internet. 

“This one..” She started as she handed him a piece of paper. “Is something your mom found and we both think you will really like it. It’s a program through the school system that connects you with middle and high schoolers from various backgrounds who are interested in debate and law.”

He looked it over and as he read the information he couldn’t help but give the two credit as it did interest him. He liked that the program targeted kids like him, from families who were not affluent or well-off. He actually found himself looking forward to connecting with the director to see what he could help them with as much as he hated to admit it he needed to do something with his life and maybe this was a good start to help him fall in love with law again. 

“I actually really like what this one does and what they are doing for kids.” He said quietly, almost to himself, as he set it aside from the rest before picking up the next paper. 

She smiled as she leaned back and let him look through everything on his own and was happy he took the initiative and started looking at them without her. While she knew he missed being in the courtroom and missed the hussle of the courthouse and being in law, she also knew he had lost a lot of himself there towards the end of his ADA career. Maybe him getting into non-profits and another side of the law, away from prosecution, was what he needed. As she took another sip of her wine she made a mental note to call Lucia the following day with what had happened. 

“Thank you, Liv.” He said as he put his hand on her leg and smiled. It wasn’t the full smile that would show in his eyes she wanted but it was a small one that at least told her he was still in there somewhere. 

“You’ve still got people in your corner, Raf. Sometimes you just have to trust us.” She said as she put her hand in his and smiled back. 

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5:**

Olivia wasn’t even halfway across the parking lot when she heard the laughter and giggles from the field. It made her smile knowing Noah had someone to teach him things and show him how to be a man. Sure, she had done an amazing job and knew she had always given Noah one-hundred percent but she was also happy he had a guy to do things with as well. 

She smiled as she approached the fence, watching him help Noah hold the bat and fix his stance. He would gently adjust the child’s feet and hips as needed and would move his hands on the bat to help him get the perfect grip. After every few soft pitches to Noah he would give him pointers and show him how to get back into position for the next set. 

Olivia didn’t realize how long she had watched the two of them from the bleachers until they started cleaning up the loose balls around the field and Noah ran over towards her. 

“Mom, did you see me hit them?” He asked excitedly. 

“I did! You did awesome, bud! How did you like it?” She asked and he nodded as he ran to help pick up the last of the balls from the outfield. 

It was his first real time learning about baseball and she was happy he had fun. He had mentioned a few other boys at school were going to play and asked her if he could try it out as well and, while she had to finish up a few things on a case, she knew just the person to help him see if he liked it. 

“He’s a natural, Liv.” He said as he sat and took a swig of his drink. “With some practice batting and learning the rules he will do just fine. He seemed to really enjoy himself today.” He replied as he looked at her and smiled.

“Thank you for today, El. It means a lot to me that you spent time with him and worked with him.” She said as she smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder and he leaned back on her legs. 

“Anytime, Liv. Noah is a great kid and I like spending time with him.” He said as he looked out towards the field where Noah was tossing a ball up and catching it, running back and forth across the outfield to do so. 

“I’m so happy for you. You always talked about being a mom and I knew you would be great but seeing you two together, you are an amazing mother.”

“Thanks, El.” She said with a blushing smile.

“I mean it, Liv.” He said as he moved to look at her. 

“You and Noah are amazing and I am so happy you are part of the “parenthood club” and get to do all those things you talked about doing.” He said as he looked at her with his deep blue eyes, searching for something within hers. 

“Noah is an awesome young man and I am blessed and humbled to be his mom. I never thought it would happen to me, I never thought I would be able to have children, but I am forever grateful for the court to see something that day and for the Judge to take a chance on me with him.” 

As she finished Noah approached dragging his feet and covered in sweat, dirt, and a big smile across his face. 

“Mom can we come back tomorrow with Elliot?” He asked as he sat next to Elliot on the bleachers. The two adults sharing a smile at his words.

“I’m not sure Elliot can come out tomorrow but why don’t you and I come back and I will help you with your catching?” Olivia answered, not wanting to make Elliot feel imposed to join them again the following day. 

“I think I should be able to join you two tomorrow afternoon after I take care of a few things.” He started as he smiled up at her before looking back to Noah. “How about we work on drills and catches tomorrow and then I can make dinner for you guys at my place?” He asked Noah who of course was shaking his head excitedly before glancing up at Olivia for approval. 

“We wouldn't want to impose, Elliot.”

“You wouldn’t! I have some things I have to do in the morning but am free after 3pm. I can give you a call once I get done and we can meet at the park by my place.” He replied. 

“Can we mom?” Noah asked with a big grin and bright eyes.

Olivia wanted to laugh at the picture in front of her. Both Noah and Elliot were turned towards her with eager smiles and eyes waiting for an answer. It was like two children waiting to see Santa for the first time. 

“Oh alright you two.” She started as she chuckled. “If the weather holds up tomorrow we can meet up once you are free. But for now, we might want to call it a night before the storms hit.” She finished as she looked towards the looming clouds in the distance. 

Both boys high-fived and laughed as they grabbed the balls and gear Elliot brought with him before heading towards his car to load it all in the back. She could hear them talking about different pitches and the drills they would do the next day. Seeing the two of them interact together made her heart skip and she couldn’t help but smile at how they interacted with each other. 

To any other person watching them they looked like a normal family leaving the park and the realization also made her a bit sad. Sad for Noah and for her as he had never had this before and she didn’t even know what it was. Were they going to stay just friends or would they try to see if something was there after all these years? She didn’t want to rush into anything but she also knew her tall, curly haired little boy was falling head over heels for the man who knew how to throw a curveball and catch a pop-fly and the thought made her stomach drop and flip.

  
  



End file.
